I really had no idea how long it had been since I wrote. That is, until I attempted signing into my blog and realized not only had I forgotten my email but also my password. Fail. After some searching, and pleading with my memory to come back to me, here I am. I've thought about the ol' blog time and time again (since May) but I've had some difficult struggles with the whole keeping of the blog. For one thing, I feel like a blog of this nature, should do one of two things. It should either A. reveal some sort of truths about the world, questions to ponder, and such, or B. it should be really juicy. The thing is, though, my life is not terribly juicy. Even if it were, my mother reads this. And, I don't even want to think of what repercussions would follow if my brother started following my musings. I'm not trying to give anyone a heart attack. The other part of it is, I'm not a terribly profound, deep thinker. I notice things. I might comment on things that are funny about life and though I spend a considerable amount of time trying to figure out why people do as they do, I do not find it would be of any use for anyone else to read my theories. All of this is leading grandly into what my entire weekend thus far has consisted of...no, not Christmas shopping, though I did do that as well. But, I've been spinning my wheels about life, purpose, drive. What does it all mean?
Typically, I go through the motions of my everyday life. And, I like that! I like having a stable career. I like knowing that I have a job to go to everyday. I am comforted by my routine of work, gym, dinner, sleep, repeat. But, after a recent, very spontaneous trip, I've called into question some of these things. There's more to life out there. I like the routine side of things Monday through Friday but come Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I really have got to figure out how to make something out of those three days that's going to propel myself through the rest of the weekly monotony. This is what happens to me after I do something that I perceive as being fun, and maybe a bit reckless, even. It's like going from cloud nine, back to reality. Reality is no place for Aquarius. It's stifling for her. She'd far rather dwell in the possibilities of things, the hope. Cloud nine is where I'm meant to be, where I want to be. The challenge is in creating my own cloud nine, to have with me all of the time. How do I do that?
For starters, I begin with sleep. After last weekend, I was reminded that cloud nine can be an exhausting place, especially when stimuli is coming at you from every angle. While, invigorating, and stimulating, the brain can only take so much. I needed rest. After my roommate returned home on Thursday, I had the prime setup for calm. I have been spending time cooking each night, lighting candles, and practicing calming the brain. When the brain is tired, it does funny, funny things, that really aren't so funny, actually. My brain is especially tricky and likes to dwell in negativity, for some reason, so I have been working double time in this solitude to make my thoughts positive. For any of you that have ever experienced doing this, and I'm sure most of you have, this can be a brutal war. It seems like I spend so much of the time craving calm, peace, and solitude, and when I get it, I can't wait to have connection to others, chaos, and life! That, in and of itself, becomes a new battle then...am I ever satisfied? What will satisfy me? How can I reach that satisfaction? *Cue Rolling Stones, I can't get no...sa-tis-fac-tion...
And, what if, what if you realize the questions to all of these answers, only to know that what you think will be satisfying, what you think will bring you peace is something you can't attain? For whatever reason, it's right outside of your grasp and you can't have it. Then, what do we do with ourselves? The only thing I can think of is, faith. I have to believe that I am where I am supposed to be, and if I'm not, then some greater power than I, will get me to that place...wherever that place is. I'm trying to believe. Any day now...
How's that for some deep questions? Pondering the meaning of life and all that...I'm sure when Gina asked me to write she was hoping for something a little more uplifting, and it will be, again. I'm certain that by tomorrow my whole view on any number of these questions will have changed again. Truthfully, it'll probably change the minute I post this! I wonder if any of you have ever asked yourselves these questions. Is this simply my quarter-life crisis? If I leave you with but one thing today, take this: shun the practical. embrace the possible.
Today's List: To-Do's...
1. Laundry
2. Shower
3. Eat
4. Drink water
5. Dad's xmas gift
6. Joey's xmas gift
7. Jeanine's xmas gift
8. Complete a crossword puzzle
9. Clean the bathroom
10. Exercise
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